Just A Dream
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: It was cruel, unjust and unfair. The love of her life had been taken from her and she had no idea what she was supposed to do - Move on? Mourn him forever? They had always discussed his time in the army like he was invisible, she found out it wasn't true.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, as much as I like to believe I do. I don't own Carrie Underwood's 'Just A Dream' either but that is where the inspiration, the title and the lyrics used come from. **

**A/N: This is a one-shot, unless people really like it and review – then it'll be a two or three shot. Please review if you want more! **

**Just A Dream**

_Baby, why did you leave me? Why did you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I can't even breathe, it's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background – everyone saying 'he's not coming home now'. This can't be happening to me, this is just a dream. _

Rachel closed her eyes tight, bringing the shirt even closer to her shaking body. The sobs didn't cease, the tears only increasing as she cried into the empty room, only being muffled when she pressed the shirt against her face, breathing in the only scent she had left of him. She ignored the sounds of voices on the other side of the door, having locked the door two days ago when she had been told the news. _"He's not coming home." _She could feel that familiar pain in her chest, the pain she decided was her heart literally breaking as she thought about the love of her life.

He was dead.

She screamed against the shirt, the tears not stopping, the sobs only getting louder the more she thought about it. He was gone forever. She closed her eyes tight; she wouldn't see that lop-sided smile anymore, she wouldn't her his laugh, hear him sing, she wouldn't be able to wake up beside him anymore, she wouldn't be able to put her hand in his much larger one, she wouldn't be able to feel his strong arms around her, she wouldn't be able to look into his eyes and see how much he loved her. No, not anymore because he was _dead. _

"Rachel! Open the door, please Rachel." She heard Kurt's own tear-filled voice, his knocking getting more and more desperate. She just shook her head, not having the energy to even get out of the bed she hadn't moved from since Carole had phoned them with the news. Her future mother-in-law usually called to discuss wedding plans, so Rachel had ran to the phone when she saw the caller ID, but quickly dropped it when she heard the sobs, and the "H-he's gone." that followed the crying. She had run to her room, without even looking at Kurt and Blaine, locking herself in the room without another word, finally letting her own tears fall down her face.

"Rachel.. we have to fly to Lima for the funeral, you can't miss that, you will never forgive yourself." Blaine spoke next, his head leaning against the door as he spoke, trying to comfort the boy next to him who sobbed at the word funeral.

_Funeral. _Rachel bit down on her lip at the word, she had almost forgotten that she would have to say goodbye formally, that she would have to be in the same room as his dead body, that she would have to watch as he was lowered into the ground. A new wave a pain washed over her, and she found herself sitting up, her body aching at the new movement. She moved slowly to the door, finally unlocking it before she opened it to see Blaine and Kurt on the other side.

Her eyes were red, bloodshot, and she looked as though she hadn't slept in weeks. Her face was ghost-like, her hair hung limply on her shoulders, and her tired, devastated expression gave her the look of a forty year old, rather than the twenty-one year old that she was. She looked at them both, the baggy shirt she was wearing making her look even smaller than she already was, her hand still clinging onto Finn's shirt.

"Honey.." Kurt whispered, his own voice broken as he pulled the girl to him, wrapping his arms tight around her, her body shaking as her arms hung by her side, making no move to hug him back. "It's going to be okay.." He pulled her away gently, looking at her, "It will be okay one day." She could only give him a small shake of her head before she went back into her bedroom, looking around the room that held so many memories of Finn.

She closed her eyes tight, trying to stop the tears that fell anyway, she wanted to ask him why he had to leave her, why he had to go into the army, she wanted to ask him why he had broken every promise he had ever made her. She held the shirt closer to her, her eyes settling on a photograph on her mirror, slowly making her way to that side of the room before she grabbed the photograph, tears running down her face at his smiling face. She had been so proud of him when she had gotten over the initial panic over him joining the army, and she couldn't help the small smile that graced her features as she ran her fingers over the photograph that had been taken at their engagement party just two years before. Her eyes moved to another photograph, and she sniffed at the sight of him in his uniform – he had been so proud that he had actually achieved something – he was a _hero _and a leader in every sense of the word.

"Rachel?" Kurt walked into the bedroom after giving her a few moments to herself, watching her stare at the photograph that she had taken of Finn the last time he had to be deployed. He smiled a little at the memory, the girl had finally learned to accept Finn's career choice, and she was so proud of him. She still worried about him but she didn't cry over it at night any longer, like she had done for the first year. "He wouldn't want you to let this take over your whole life." He whispered, putting a hand on her lower back, "You have to concentrate on your own life and your child's." He frowned, looking at the slight bump on her stomach.

Rachel stared at him for a moment, realizing that in her own grief, she had forgotten she was pregnant – she had never felt so _selfish _in that moment, her hand quickly flying to her stomach. She had found out two weeks ago that she was expecting a child, and she had immediately written to her husband-to-be but the letter had never gotten to him on time. He had been deployed for the final time just three months ago, and in her initial worry, she had forgotten to take her birth control. She hadn't even thought about the fact she could be pregnant as she began to get sick, it was Kurt who suggested it at first.

She still had a few months until she graduated from NYADA, but she was happy that she could finally have a piece of Finn to keep with her at all times. She had been so excited to tell him the news, informing him that although the pregnancy wasn't planned, and they were both so young and had such amazing futures ahead of them – she loved their baby already, and she was so happy to have a baby with him. She let out a heartbreaking sob, her hand covering her mouth as she sunk to the ground. He never _knew _he was going to be a daddy.

Kurt was next to her in an instant, bringing her close to him as he rocked them both back and forth, tears falling down his own face. "It's going to be okay, me and Blaine will always be here for you.. we're going to help you bring this little one up. We both promise." He held her until she finally fell asleep, squeezing the tiny girl in his arms as his own tears fell down his face, wanting nothing more than to wake up from this horrible dream. "I miss you, Finn. She needs you.. _they _need you." He whispered to the photograph of his step-brother, sniffing.

_They handed her a folded up a flag and she held onto all she had left of him, and what could have been. And then the guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart. _

Rachel stared at the coffin in front of her, the journey to Lima, Ohio from her home in New York seemed like a blur, she could barely remember even being on a plane, and now here she was – at her soul-mates funeral. She rubbed her eyes, resting a hand on her small bump, looking away from the coffin to look over at Carole – the one woman who could fully understand exactly what Rachel felt.

The funeral went by quickly, with Rachel already having refused to speak about how good his life was, about how much she loved him and how much he was going to miss out – people didn't need to hear it from her, they would already know. She listened to other's words about the person she was going to marry, and she smiled at some memories, feeling happy knowing he had a good life.. a good but short life.

She watched everyone gather around the freshly dug hole outside, her chest aching when she saw the coffin slowly being lowered into the ground, the final words being said as people said their goodbyes to Finn Christopher Hudson. Tears made their way down her face, finding little comfort when Kurt squeezed her hand, trying to ignore the pain she felt in her chest as she watched people leave the grave. _So what now? _She thought to herself, _Do I just.. move on? _

She fell to her knees, "Please leave me alone.." She whispered to Kurt who had quickly knelt down beside her, "I need to be alone with him.. please, Kurt." The boy just nodded, hesitating for a moment before walking away with Blaine, stopping when they got a certain distance away from the heart-broken girl, watching her carefully.

"Why did you leave me?" Rachel whispered to the grave, tears hitting the ground, "Why did you leave _us_?" She rested a hand on her stomach, sobbing gently, "I did nothing but love you and support you and all I asked was for you to come home.. and you promised me, Finn.. you **promised** and now I have to bury you and say goodbye? What the hell am I supposed to do now? Do I bring our son or daughter to your graveside every year? Do I move on and find someone else? Do I mourn you for the rest of my life? I don't know what to do, Finn, please tell me what to do."

She stopped speaking, expecting some sort of answer, sighing when nothing came. "I just.. you never told me what to do if you died. We never even discussed it.. you promised me you'd be home and you never came home and now I have to bring up our baby, knowing that we could have had a proper family. I'll have to look at our baby and remember what I lost, and what I could have. I don't know how to cope with this." Rachel took a deep breath, "Why did you have to do this to me? Why am I being punished? I'm only twenty-one, I'm a single mom and I'm practically a widow. What did I ever do to deserve this?"

She moved to lean her head against the hard stone, tracing his name softly, "I'm going to name him Christopher – you know, if it is a boy. Christopher Finnegan Hudson." She whispered, sniffing. "Lyric Carole Hudson if it's a girl. I wish you were here.. I wish you could share everything with me, I wish someone could explain to me why you had to be taken from me. I wish things were different. I wish... I wish you had enough faith in yourself to apply for some colleges.. I wish you didn't join the army but I understand Finn, I understand why you did it but I wish you hadn't."

She sobbed hard, taking a deep breath as she tried to focus on the child that was growing inside of her. "I love you, Finn Christopher Hudson. I always will." She placed her hands on her lip, blowing a soft kiss to press it onto the grave-stone. "I'll come and see you before I leave for New York, and then I'll be back to introduce you to your son or daughter.. I love you. I love you so much."

She wiped her eyes as she stood up, slowly walking over to where her dads, Carole, Burt, Kurt and Blaine stood, waiting for her. She turned one last time to look at the place where he lay, tears in her eyes before she turned back to the family she would have to rely on so much more now. She wrapped her arms tight around Carole, holding onto the woman as though she was a life-line, "I know, honey.. I know." The older woman whispered, holding the girl close as they both cried, "I know."


End file.
